June 2013 was my last hospitalized suicide attempt.
I’m having a hard time writing about this subject. I’ve openly talked about my mental health issues for years now, but sometimes, returning to the past can be difficult for my mental health. Not everyone is always understanding of mental health issues. Even those who love you. Especially those who love you.
I suppose that’s why I worry that talking about certain subjects will upset new people in my life. There’s fear that I will overshare and scare someone away. Or change their overall opinion of who I am. I know that stems from fears of abandonment and my overall desire to be a people pleaser. Sadly, knowing that does not make things any easier.
For today’s post, I won’t go into too much detail concerning that suicide attempt, just know that it was a helpful situation despite all the heartache. I was able to finally be diagnosed with Bipolar and my Anxiety Disorders were finally acknowledged. It had been a huge struggle to get a doctor, diagnosis, and medication. When I finally checked out of the Psych Facility, my ex husband gave me two stuffed owls to add to my collection and said that I could finally get a tattoo. I had been wanting tattoo’s for a very long time, to cover self-harm scars on my arms.
The parlor where I got my tattoo changed names since 2013, so I wasn’t able to link their information. I thankfully was able to have the same artist do both of my arm tattoos. I designed both tattoo’s and they are in the same location on each arm. I won’t post the other tattoo today, but it’s very nerdy in it’s own rights.
My obsession with owls started when I was younger, so I’ve always been a fan of doodling owls. It took a lot of trial and error to come up with the tattoo I finally picked. It’s not perfect, but it was a design I made myself for myself. So I’m happy with it. As you can see in the pictures below, I took bits and pieces from other tattoo’s and drawings I’d seen to create my own.
The last few weeks, I’ve brainstormed, agonized, and debated what to use for my website logo. It held me back for the longest time. I wanted to have my logo created before I got all my website/social media accounts made. At some point, I had a mock up made, but I changed my mind eventually.
I wouldn’t say that the logo was a bad idea. Just not exactly the image that I pictured in my mind when it comes to Atelier Whootique. My OCD always demands perfection. Even if there isn’t a clear parameter concerning what perfect is exactly. As you can see with the website right now. I picked a lot of black and white artwork with blue menu’s. This is a similar design to the WordPress page I’d made for Fish in Bowl. A little bit of an homage to my previous work.
Ideally, I knew that I wanted to stick with the owl motif. I wanted to somehow include art into the basic design, hence the paintbrush. I thought that would be cute, but I have so many other topics as well that I want to write about. I know that might be my indecisiveness talking. I just honestly feel like there’s so many little pieces that make me who I am. The books I read. The shows I watch. The things I do to help with my mental health. The martial arts that I practice.
I have to constantly remind myself, my identity isn’t centered on any one thing. I’m not just an artist. When I can’t draw, that doesn’t mean my existence is worthless. I’m not just a bookworm. If I can’t focus enough to enjoy a novel, that doesn’t mean I’m broken. The things I do add up. Which should be the focus instead of the things that I feel divide or lessen myself.
So the long winded point of this all? I think I’m going to use my tattoo as the Atelier Whootique Logo. I need to polish it up some, I didn’t have a drawing tablet back in the day. My artwork was all drawn on paper, inked, then scanned into a computer. It’s not a bad thing, but the basic image will need some touching up.
Expect that in the near future. Once again, I can’t thank you enough for reading my blog. Every time a notification comes to my e-mail that someone has liked a post, it makes my heart warm.