Trigger Warning: Brief mention of purging further into post.
“Happiness is sand in your toes and a shell in your pocket.”
I don’t have much happiness in my heart right now. Despite the DBT, I’m just feeling lower than I have in quite some time. I don’t have good ideas in my head and I won’t expand on that to spare anyone such triggers.
I just realize that I don’t have a lot of choices right now. An ambulance ride is expensive. The ER is expensive. Going to a psych ward is expensive. I have very little in my bank and I don’t really wish to put my SO in debt by making a trip to the hospital. It’s frustrating to live in a country where money drives everything.
I know that a lot of this is combined with the dieting that I’m doing right now. And my SO suggested taking a break from the diet. I’m just so frustrated right now that I cant let myself do that. I’m uncomfortable with my fat and I ended up getting so upset yesterday that I purged after my largest meal. I didn’t throw up today, but I felt horrible. Like the food that I consumed sat like a rock in my belly.
I hate my relationship with food.
I’m really not okay and I just don’t know what to do. I’m sorry.