Everything is going according to plans… Have you ever let someone that’s neurodivergent plan something? It’s an amazing and frightening thing all melded together. My brain is often like an internet browser with fifty tabs open. Some of them have music playing and I have no idea which ones they are. Strangely, I feel some deja vu like I’ve said this before. Lately I haven’t had many plans because you can’t be disappointed with yourself if you didn’t have plans to break in the first place.
I went to the hobby shop the other day to distract myself from my depression. Oh boy, depression shopping isn’t that different from manic shopping. Let’s just say that I picked up another miniature kit. And some paint for a resin 3D piece that someone printed for me. And a ball of pretty yarn, because it was on sale. Sale means buy it. I know things are bad and I need to keep this in mind.
I dissociated. I haven’t done that since back at the beginning of the year when one of the girls in my Discord cussed me out and told me to shut up. She also mentioned rape and miscarriages. So a lot of my core triggers right there. I knew I wasn’t in an entirely good place, but I needed to get out of the house for a bit and I usually do something to reward myself when I adult. In this case, I needed to pick up my insulin. So my reward to myself was the craft store. A lot of times I don’t even realize I’m dissociating until someone speaks to me. I had a woman at the store ask me if I was all right. I felt like I had just hit the “reloadui” button. Lost about two hours in the store. Um… so I’ll have to practice some mindfulness this week.
That probably means I’ll be tackling the miniature model kit this week. I like doing something with my hands and having a concrete item afterwards to reward my focus. I’m thinking I’ll diverge from the actual kit’s plans and paint the outside differently. Maybe instead of being the coffee shoppe that it’s sold as, I’ll make it into something like a book café?
The basic idea is cute for the coffee shoppe, but not entirely my cup of tea. Haha. I like tea. So yeah, I’ll probably attempt to work on that this week. Pictures to follow! Thank you so much, everyone, for following along with my insane mental journal. Not always sure if that’s the bipolar brain or the ADHD brain that has me flittering around like an insane person.
Your presence is appreciated!