I lost all my buffer days, which has really hit me hard. I was doing good creating posts, but then it just all hit me like a ton of bricks. I have a therapy session this Friday so that’s something to look forward to, but I’m feeling guilty that I haven’t been working on my own mental health enough lately.
I made the number one mistake and thought that I could have a few drinks. At this point, my SO and I swearing off alcohol. It just doesn’t work out well for either of us. The depressive downswing that comes right after having something to drink is really rough for me. And I’m not saying that I’m a heavy drinker. I had like two hard seltzers. But it really does hit me hard.
I had a suicidal moment. My SO and I had a really big fight and let me tell you, two people who have known each other for quite some time can really swing hard. Maybe it’s because the anniversary is next week, but I had huge flashbacks to when my ex-husband (married 3 years, dated for like 6 before that) broke up with me. You have those moments where you feel like you can’t keep your head above water, the waves of strong emotions just hit you over and over and over again.
I left the house, fully intent on doing the stupid.
DBT really helps though, guys. In my hyperventilating, sobbing, and emotion state, I was still able to go over my safety plan in the car. I went down my check list of people and support systems. I did my TIP skill and then I was finally able to get a friend on messenger who was able to help me regain composure.
My SO and I talked a bit today. Things aren’t fixed, but we’re both on the same page about mending things and working towards improving the moment for each of us. I admit my faults and my SO is going to work on their problem areas as well.
When you and your partner are both going through a love phase, it can be really hard. I have to remind myself to Check the Facts. A lot of my self-doubt and angst come from assumptions. And lack of communication. Which aren’t always 100% my fault, but both sides need to put in some effort. I wish I had some really wise things to say, but I’m honestly just barely hanging in there right now.
I figured since I was having such a hard time this weekend, I should link the information for anyone else that might be struggling as well. My Bipolar brain often times tell me that I should die and just end my life, but I know that’s not a good solution. Even if the suicidal ideations are screaming in my mind, some part of me does not want to die. It’s often about wanting to escape the situation or not seeing any better options.
My brain often thinks, “There’s no one in this world that cares about you. They’ll all eventually get tired of you and resent you. You’re going to end up alone any way, so just get it over with now.” I’m really thankful for my safety plan and my support net. If you’ve been having a hard time too, please remember that you matter and that someone out there in the world wants you to stay.
Thanks so much for reading though and I’m going to try my best to get some better content going here. ❤️🧡💛💚💜💙