I woke up this morning and realized that I did not have a blog post prepared. It sent me into a minor panic attack since I’ve told myself that I want to continue posting every day. I don’t want to look it as a matter that I -have- to do this, but because I want to do it. There are so many things that I have to do every day just for my own quality of life.
I need to maintain my hygiene: brush my teeth, take a bath/wash my hair, and all those other cleanliness matters. Take my meds. Drink water. Feed myself. If I do those things in a day, I’m proud of myself. Especially when I’m the lowest of the low. There are days that I just don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t even want to think.
As I start to write this out, I realize that it’s really clear that I’m slipping into a negative mind space and will have to talk to my therapist about it. I do sometimes worry that my therapist thinks I’m doing better than I am. Maybe I’m spinning my personal narrative too well? My therapist says that I don’t give myself enough credit. Maybe it’s a combination of both.
I haven’t been as active in my own DBT Discord due to this low feeling. I feel horrible, but the influx of people talking about suicidal ideations became a problem. Plus Discord has TOS that requires admins to do something when this sort of discussion occurs in your server. If you don’t report the person, your server could be shut down. I’m not a healthcare professional, I don’t know how to talk someone down from feeling suicidal. And frankly, it stretches my own mental health thin.
When the same people continue to talk about wanting to unalive themselves but are unwilling to take their medications or talk to their own therapists, I don’t believe that I have a better solution. Even if I’m someone who has similar issues. I do have suicidal ideations frequently, especially right now. I suppose the best analogy for this would be …
Someone is swimming in the ocean and they’re starting to drown. I’m on the shore sometimes, or I’m also out in the water. I don’t have any special training. I could swim to the person and try to save them, but it’s a highly likely chance that they’re going to pull me under and we’ll both drown.
I feel terrible that I haven’t been able to do more. Which adds to the anxiety and depression I’m already going through. I wish I knew some magical thing to say that would help someone when they have suicidal ideations, but I honestly barely can cajole myself into doing the bare minimum.
I’m sorry today’s post was so dark. I just wanted to put the warning out there that I’m not at 100%, but I’m still trying to write! Thank you so much for stopping in and reading. See you tomorrow.