I found an old thumb drive that had a bunch of files backed up from 2008 and older. Wow. I mean, really. WOW. What a blast from the past and a reflection on how much things have changed. You shouldn’t dwell on the past, especially for your own mental health, but you can’t just forget everything or you’ll never change. Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now.
Oh man, most of the writing was SUPER cringe. I can’t even share the few documents that I found. Haha, so weird. I do remember one of the more cruel guys that I knew back in college saying that I was like a cheerleader and an emo goth fucked and had brain-damaged babies. Back in the day, I didn’t know I had bipolar. I had a lot of control issues. My volume and my energy levels were sporadic.
My artwork wasn’t amazing back in the day, but I wasn’t frozen by anxiety either. I wasn’t thinking about what other people might think of my comics. I didn’t care if it wasn’t “good enough” for others to see. I wanted to tell a story. I had ideas flowing out of my head with nowhere else to go except on the paper. It was really different back in the day when I still drew exclusively on paper with pencil then inked it with sharpies, then later I moved on to ink pens eventually, but it was still so mundane. I thought I was so lucky to finally upgrade to a tablet.
I was going to have all the art I ever wanted to make at my fingertips. No constraints because I had a tablet. Tablets were the end all, be all. Nowadays I just can’t even find myself motivated. I want to paint, I want to draw, I want to doodle. But I don’t. I’ve still got that Care Bear drawing to finish. My Depression brain likes to tell me that no one cares about my artwork. That no one will like it even if I throw my everything into it.
I have to remind myself that I have improved with time. I’m a fine wine that just needed to age. I was grape juice before. It’s a decent drink and not bad, but now I’m something that years have perfected. Not everyone will like me. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s okay. I shouldn’t undervalue myself.
Thanks for joining me on this walk down memory lane. See you guys tomorrow~!