Thoughts and Prayers

Growing up in the deep South, specifically the Bible Belt, I was raised to pray for others when something terrible is happening. The sentiment is very important to those who put power in prayer. Or upsetting sometimes as well. I still remember my Mom asking me to pray for her when I was younger. She was having surgery for a cyst on her ovaries.

Some horrifying part of my small child mind was … if I don’t pray hard enough, am I going to lose my Mommy? If I’m not genuine and sincere, will God punish me? Thankfully, my mother did pull through all right. And I know that no one really meant to put pressure on me as a child. It’s still just something that occasionally pops into my mind when someone talks about praying for someone else.

My stepmama lost her sister yesterday. It was sudden, unexpected, and absolutely tragic. My stepmama and her four sisters were very close. One of my online Facebook groups has a “Request Prayers” tab. And my knee-jerk reaction, of course, was to make a prayer request for my stepmama and her family. This is only the second Christmas since my Dad passed.

An article I found online was actually referencing a natural disaster that had lots of people commenting about “– in our thoughts and prayers” which was referred to as a bit of a controversy. It feels almost terrible to say this sort of thing. “My condolences.” “I’m so sorry for your loss.” I honestly feel like nothing is good enough.

No words can express the right emotions. How can you convey the right thing? Even when it was my Dad’s death. I lost my Dad. My father. Half of who I am is due to him. As devastated as I was/am by his death, I know that I don’t know what my stepmama must feel like. He was her partner. Her other half. Just trying to think or imagine losing my SO is gut-wrenching.

I know that sending thoughts and prayers might not be enough. Even long distances. I was planning to go see my stepmama for Christmas so we’ll have to see if this causes any adjustments in our plans. I wish that I was closer. I wish that I had more money. I wish that I could cook love into casseroles and makes plates of food to leave with her family members because food is my love language.

Arranging a funeral on top of the grief of death is just such a heavy blow. It reminds me that we really don’t have enough plans in place for the unexpected. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Hug your loved ones. Blood-related or adopted/friends. Take a moment to appreciate what you have this holiday season, whether you celebrate Christmas or some other holiday or none.

I know the tone of this post sort of jumps, especially since I know how the other upcoming posts will be sounding. I’ve been trying to give myself a buffer of posts with all the things going on. Today/Yesterday really just hit me hard and I know that I was going to need to write it all down while it was twisting in my mind.

I’ve got therapy on Monday, which is helpful. I guess? This wasn’t something that affected me directly, but I can’t help feeling helpless as someone I care about experiences this kind of loss. Thanks as always for reading, guys. I’ll catch you tomorrow.

Published by Erin Seto

Southern Peach 🍑, in her 30’s - Artist 🎨 + Bibliophile 📚 + Geek 🎮 + Nerd 👓 + Animal-Lover 🐾 + Bipolar Disorder 💢 x Anxiety 😨 x PTSD 💣÷ DBT Therapy ✨ + Mental Health Matters 🧠 = ME 👩🏽

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