I can’t show pictures of the room. I’m too ashamed of exactly how crazy my room looks right now. I’ve got everything that’s not in storage crammed into our small little bedroom. We have two desks, a desk with a television on it, a queen-sized bed, and a ton of shelves. How exactly do you guys tend to clean?
I go after one section at a time when I can, but it can be so daunting. It feels like I’m moving a mess from one place to another and despite throwing away items and Goodwilling others, I still have more junk than I need. Or no place to put the items that I do value. I think I hold onto things because I’m really sentimental, honestly. SIGH.
At the moment, I’m trying to find one of my hard drives. And my CBD vaping pen. They’ve both gone missing and I know it’s because the room is a mess. This both frustrates me and causes me stupid levels of anxiety. I always hear my inlaws saying we have too much junk. And my depressed mindset thinks that my SO would be better off without me. If I was dead, then he’d be able to throw all of my crap away and be free.
I know that’s not true. Mostly. My own brain just likes to drag me down into a low, LOW phase. But it is true that my SO would be happier if the room was a little less messy. So I’m going to push and try to do a bit of cleaning today. I don’t think I’m going to be on Marie Kondo levels, but I’m going to try to just tackle bits and pieces.
I suppose part of that is because I’m too focused on the material? People always say you can buy yourself more, except if you don’t have the means. I don’t know. I’m not that attached. I can clean when it’s other people’s spaces, but I get very touchy when it’s my own. I tend to think it’s because I lost a lot when I was homeless in 2009 and because I lost a lot when I divorced my ex-husband in 2014. I had a short time clock and was only able to fit things into a moving truck. I abandoned a bunch of stuff when I was forced to get out of my home.
I need to get the room in order so it’ll be comfortable for my SO while I’m out of town for Christmas. Plus, I mean, it SHOULD be clean in general. But you know how it can be? I’m hoping that my packing brain for the trip will help me get my butt into gear for sorting through everything. There’s a lot of stuff that I’m clueless about its location so finding it would really help my anxiety. Or I might just become crippled by it.
URGH. I swear. Cleaning the rest of the house is such a breeze compared to my own space. Anywho, thanks for putting up with my crazy rant. It seems like today’s post was just really hard for my brain to blurt out. I started writing this post a few times so if it seems wonky, that would explain the continuity of the writing. Thanks for reading! You guys are the best.