I’m still feeling really raw after loosing Mango yesterday. Since my plans for today fell through (my local vet changed a bit and no longer will see rabbits, so I need to find a different one), I decided to take a personal day and work through my feelings.
I watched some sad anime. These are sort of complicated, so I won’t give a summary. You should Google them if you’re interested. I finally watched the last episode of “Fruit Basket, Final Season”. Sad, but happy, but also bitter sweet. Had a few episodes to catch up on the end of “To Your Eternity”. SUPER sad. I love this anime, but I’m pretty sure every episode likes to destroy your feelings. Finished up my anime binging with “Those Snow White Noises”, which is about music and the Japanese shamisen. Which I would love to learn to play someday.
This was somewhat a distraction tactic as well as emotion regulation. I wanted some sad things, which helped me cry. I had cried when Mango first died then I felt like I went numb. So crying some over the anime was really helpful. There was some frustration as well. Radically accepting that sometimes you just can’t be in control of the situation.
I don’t want to linger to long on this, but the subject of death is always complicated for me. I never expected myself to grow up, grow old, or become an adult. As a teenager I always assumed I’d end up dying young. I had a lot of thoughts about killing myself when I was younger, so long term plans were not an issue. Now that I’m older, it’s very odd. Somewhat eerie when you realize that so many people you know have died. Time passes slowly, but at the same time, is deceptively quick to slip through your fingers.
SO~! Moving on from the morbidly, morbid thoughts. An important part of DBT, is being aware and turning a thought. So when I realized that I might be dwelling too hard on too many different thoughts, I picked out an activity that’s perfect for mindfulness! Model building!
I’m currently slowly working my way through a Chocolatier Shoppe kit from Hobby Lobby. It’s my first miniature model kit I’ve ever done. It’s been a long project. I work on what I can until my patience and attention span are gone. A little snip snip here, and little glue glue there. It’s very relaxing despite how tedious the tasks can be. It’s a real mindfulness project because I’m forced to focus solely on what I’m doing. The task at hand instead of the other million things my mind wants to dwell on.
I envy my SO because he has the ability to go mindless. For myself, a good analogy of what my brain is like… I’ve got 500 tabs open in my internet browser. At least 3 of them are songs. I cannot remember why most of them are open, but I assume they’re important and I don’t want to let them go. My attention is split so badly I can’t really accomplish anything.
My long term goal is to finish the model, which is painfully close. I don’t know where I’ll put the model after I’m done, but the fact that I have something accomplished really helps myself feel better. I’ll try to take some more pictures once the Shoppe is completed. Until then, please enjoy the pictures I’ve taken so far.
And thank you again, everyone, for taking the time to read my blog!